76. Draw yourself a map.

THE ONLY THING CONSTANT IS CHANGE.

"It's hard to watch people change right in front of you..but the worst part is remembering who they used to be."

That above applies for two people in my life. But I'm done talking about the other.
Today it's Nic.

Hey you pugzywugzy:

I feel sad whenever I see you not smiling the way you used to. It wrenches my heart out when I read those entries of yours that spills with heartbreaking sadness and honesty that you're too proud to let the rest of the world know. It strucked me most when I read the entry you wrote about Junda and I, urging us not to quarrel and to cherish what we have and how anger poisons and clouds our ability to make sensible decisions. And because I've always been your unofficial "guardian", I feel a teeny weeny bit guilty when I am out enjoying being in love while you mopped around the house out of love.

Almost everyday without fail, I spot a bit of sadness and longing in your eyes and much as I want to offer you the world, I know nothing I can give will fill the gaping void in your heart. I was telling Junda about your current state and the metaphor I gave was that you have lost your anchor, which is why you're floating around without an aim now. And he surprised me with a totally different point of view. He said, "She has just been RID OF the anchor, which means she's free to move on now and needs to draw herself a map."

Come to think of it, it makes perfect sense. I guess that's what a partner and being in a relationship has been for you - An anchor. Says who do we need to be anchored down? It gives us a temporary feeling of "safe haven" but it leads us nowhere. So what you really need to do is get your "bearings" right, get used to this sudden found freedom, draw yourself a map and sail away from this depressing chapter of your life. Just like how you're a captain of your own ship, you're the one responsible for your own happiness.

Stop beating yourself up, stop clinging unto the ghost of a 'it could have worked out' relationship. The world would say "It wasn't worth it" but its worth and value can only be measured by how it made you a better person and how much you learnt from it. If She chose to embark on her journey of self-development during her relationship with you, then her value of this relationship must have been real high. And if this relationship wizened you up and made you grow up, then perhaps the world will start to see that it was worthwhile after all.