Wednesday

121. Almost there.

SO I WORK REAL HARD, EACH AND EVERY DAY,
NOW THINGS FOR SURE ARE GOING MY WAY. 

Getting closer and closer every day. And....we collected the keys to our home yesterday! I'm tearing up as I type this - it's the hormones at work I swear :')

Obligatory first shot of us, standing in the our living room!


Best song to sum up everything.



Pa, I wish you could see me now. I wish you could meet this man who dotes on me with his life. I wish you could see our little home that we worked so hard for. Where ever you are, I hope you're happy and proud of what I've achieved. Missing and loving you every day.

Tuesday

120. So much tears.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP ON PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE BUT BECAUSE THEY DON'T.

I'm here, once again, blowing off the "digital cobwebs" which would have engulfed this little digital space if it could be physically seen.

It seems I am here only when I have my heart broken. Pathetic as it may be, crawling into this little "hole of solace" to "lick my wounds" seem to be the most therapeutic and befitting cathartic experience.

Yesterday, 23rd March 2015, Singapore mourns for her loss of a great leader, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. There were a lot of tears. I shed my fair share as I read few of the many eulogies that surfaced online, one more poignant than the previous. And then I cried more that evening. This time not for the late Mr Lee but because I had my own "bubble popped". I lost a best friend.

I learnt a very hard lesson and that promises made in good times are hardly kept and spiteful words during bad times... is brutal honesty in its rawest form. I should never have expected the same love as I have given you because in your words, "I am not you".

You are right. While I may treasure you like the little sister that you are to me, I shouldn't have expected the same from you. In retrospect, I feel foolish to have thought I was as important to you as you are to me.

There are two people I want to have my solemnization more than anyone else in the whole world - My dad, and you. While it pains me that Papa cannot be physically there, I was comforted that you would be there.

Now, your words resonates in my mind and mocks me constantly, "Vows can be renewed every year... you'll never know when you'll be spending your last birthday with your loved one.", "When I die on my bday, I make sure you regret the most, for how you are handling this situation".

"Yeah yeah send over all your guilt trips" - never my intention because I know you well enough to know it doesn't work on you. Also, I didn't have any "fight" in me left to "devise" the so-called guilt trip.. I had just taken a blow; the kind of emotional hurt that penetrates through physical armor which renders a person helpless. You've seen me at my worst, and would not even falter when you saw blood trickling from my arm so what are words but futile and feeble attempts at introducing "guilt" to you?

You have always known to hit where it hurts and yesterday was a wake up call for me after 11 years. The hurt was eerily similar - then, as lovers, and now, as friends.

Then I realize, I cannot fault you for the hurt. You are you and have always been. The reason I hurt, is because I care and love you too much. I've spoilt you with love. While love is selfless, humans will always be selfish. Life will go on and we will continue to collect memories filled with tears and laughter; hopefully more of the latter but this hurt and fear of being hurt again cannot be erased.

I am not sorry I love you so much but I have to learn to stop. If not now, then when?

If I left, would you be glad?
Deep in my heart

I'll always know;
I'll love you always,
Even if I go.