106. 365

LET'S HOPE IT'S A GOOD ONE WITHOUT ANY TEARS.

"I can't live without you."

That's what poets say. Today marks the 365th day you're gone and I'm still alive; but that doesn't mean I don't think about you every single day. I love you Pa, as always, if not more.

105. The end of 5th Dec.

For my birthday this year, all I want is to have you back. And since I can't have that, I wish with all my birthday luck that you'll be the happiest man wherever you are. I love you Pa.

104. OLEH x3

103. GOODS TO DECLARE

ONE DAY WHEN YOUTH IS ONLY A MEMORY, I KNOW YOU'LL BE STANDING NEXT TO ME. -Love Will Show You Everything

Songs are wonderful. In just plain, glorious genius of the song writer, the two lines above summed up how I feel.

Lately "entries" have been little blurbs of thoughts that I hastily type down and likened to "Tweets" on Twitter. Since we got together, I've composed many "Thank you" speeches in my mind when you spoiled me rotten but as deliriously happy as I am, I've also been too busy and lazy so....here's a toast to a proper thank YOU entry in the longest of time.

This is an unabashed declaration of love for Junda Ng aka My Boyfriend and the goods he has showered on me. So, for those of you allergic to sweet nothings, you've been warned.

I can thank you for all the movies dates, meals, trips and material stuff you buy me but what really hits the spot at the end of the day and affirms my decision on you is how you relentlessly try to appease me when I'm miffed, how you try to iron things out when at times, it looks so hopelessly crinkled, no amount of "ironing" could smooth-en. And above it all, it's the acts of services you do with little, almost no complaints and most of all, the handmade gifts that tugs at the heartstrings.

The reason why I decided to have this 'Goods to Declare' entry is simply because in the age and time where one heavily relies on technology and digital images to chronicle their memory, I want to have a piece of my memory here on the world wide web, with the hope that should time savage all material stuff and turn them to dust and ashes, I would at least have this to remember all my fondest memory by (unless one day blogger and world wide web cease to exist).

This montage alone doesn't even make up 1/3 of the stuff you've made me over the course of these 2 years+.

And you surprised me again 2 days back with yet another hand made gift that made me the envy of all kids and girls with boyfriends in tow.

When I saw this, I was totally blown over and enamoured. It is clear why handmade gifts strikes the right chord in one's heart (at least in mine it does); because of the thought and process; time and effort; and no amount of money can buy that.

If you're reading this, I want you to know that all your time spent bent hours over a new creation, sacrificing sleep; it's all taken to account and appreciated by me. I don't know how many times I can thank you, (probably never enough) but I do hope from the look on my face, you know just how happy you've made me. We all have our ways of loving and you're loving me well. Made me the envy of others, spoiling me silly, yes, but keep doing what you're doing. (:

You even got the "SPG-ers" in me going, "Awww, this one's a keeper."

I love you Junda, without a doubt and thank you for loving me!

102. Thai Boyfriend

I-I LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG BABY,

& I KEEP HITTING RE-PEAT-PEAT-PEAT-PEAT-PEAT.

101. It's all about you.

YESTERDAY YOU ASKED ME SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

These days, I hardly have time to sit down and chronicle my life here, and when I do, it's mostly about you. When I dream of you, I like to tell myself that it is you coming back to see me.

I'm someone who has crazy Harry Potter-like dreams that don't make sense but when it comes to dreams of you, it's so...real. I want to make a record of all the dreams I have of you so in case, just in case you don't "come by" anymore, I have this memories to remember you by.

The last dream of you was 2 weeks ago, a very short one. You asked me if I love you and I said "Of cos I do." Then you asked for a peck on the cheek like I used to give. The next instant, I was awake and crying.

I hate that every entry now contains "like I used to" for it is an affirmation that I can't do it ever again. I miss you so much, I wish heaven allowed webcam.

100. My dad, the Bee Gees fan.

ARE YOU JUST A DREAM TO FADE AWAY.

Today is just like any other day, only that I woke up, replaying a song that you used to sing on the Karaoke on my mind; missing you even more than usual. I grew up listening to them and all your Golden Oldies, can't fault my preference over Gold 90 and Class 95 after all these music influence!

Massachusetts

Bee Gees

Feel I'm goin' back to Massachusetts

Something's telling me I must go home

And the lights all went out in Massachusetts

The day I left her standing on her own

Tried to hitch a ride to San Francisco

Gotta do the things I wanna do

And the lights all went out in Massachusetts

They brought me back to see my way with you

Talk about the life in Massachusetts

Speak about the people I have seen

And the lights all went out in Massachusetts

And Massachusetts is one place I have seen

I will remember Massachusetts

-

As much as I wished you could physically be here, more so for Christine's graduation than for myself, I'm sure wherever you are, you must be smiling and oozing with pride to know that she did very well and graduated with an overall ranking of 2nd!

99. Hello Papa.

YOU'RE SPECIAL, FOR ALWAYS.

Nicky came back from Batam last night, loaded with my favourite dishes that mommy cooked and packed for me. And home-made soya bean too! Mmm-mmm! And you know what amuses me most? She said upon reaching our house, the first thing she said was "Hello Uncle!" like she used to. I know you heard and knowing you, you were probably waggling your eyebrow in acknowledgement, like you always do.

We all miss you so much.

Father's day is in 2 days. Happy advance Father's Day Papa dearest. Remember I love you most.

98. Bottled decay.

IF KARMA DON'T HIT YOU, I WILL.

I keep all my sadness and anger pent up inside where it stews and fester; like how a piece of meat decomposes and gives off funky & nasty smells; mine develops into mental illness and adorns my wrist with scars.

97. A cry for help.

Sometimes, I get an urge to fling myself off a building.

It may or may not have been triggered by any emotion, just a strong, intense urge. And I'm afraid; what if one day I really do?

96. Virgin Riding

THE IDEA OF RIDING ISN'T PURELY MENTAL MASTURBATION ANYMORE.

Funny how my metaphors and words seem to translate into different meanings and end up sounding so...M18.

Anyway, moving on. Like the entry title and pre-cursor tagline suggests, riding became a reality for me yesterday (13.03.11)! And how do I feel about that? TOTALLY RAD!!! But I've also developed second thoughts about riding on the road, getting my bike license etcetera. :|

But that's another story for another day, I'm just gonna do a quick re-cap of the events for yesterday and rest my battered body. Pretty glad I wasn't flung from my bike like a ragdoll but still battered nonetheless, with a festering "continent" of an abrasion between my butt-cheeks. And many other bruises.

The day started out with heavy drizzle, talk about "raining on our parade". BUT, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the rain deterred us from riding to Changi Point (our departing Jetty). Let me explain HOW it became a blessing.

Fast forwarding to the end of the dirt bike trip, we were chauffeured back to the Jetty in Pengerang, Malaysia at 3:30pm and along with other tourists/passengers (already at the Jetty since 2plus) waiting for our transport back to Singapore, we were promised a bum boat which will ferry us back.

5pm came and still no boat and then the guy tending the counter saunters out of his ticket booth and dropped the bomb on us, "The bum boat service is over, no more boats coming back for the day."

We were stranded on foreign land (it's Malaysia, so what! Still foreign what!), away from city life and totally unprepared to spend the night; and worse, we're told there may not be enough taxi(s) coming by to send us all back to Johor, from which we can get back to Singapore.

When we eventually got lucky to share a cab with a couple, we spent close to 2 hours in the cab back to Johor, Larkin if I'm not wrong and paid a sum of $40 for us both (as opposed to a 45 minute boat ride at $12 per person) and had to "transit" to take yet another cab back to '2nd Link' and eventually home. Mind you, by the time we reached Singapore, it was already close to 9pm. Had we rode to Changi Point in the morning, we would've have to cab ALL the way back to Changi to collect the bike and ride back home, again.

The boy was commenting it felt like the Chinese New Year movie, "The Homecoming" starring Jack Neo as 'Karen Neo' where they experienced problems with the transport and took a biggg round just to get back home.

Other than this damper, the day was worth every single bruise, scratch and burn I endured.

Though I'm kinda sad that I'm going to look every bit like a freak show at D&D tomorrow night later tonight.

My whole body's aching from all the bumps and falls it endured and the bruises are all garnering attention by showing up in their ghastly green, brown, red and purple. SIGHHH.

And I look like a "Something Tapir" with my two-tone hands. That animal with grey and white tones? "African Tapir"? Whatever. I saw it in the zoo twice.

& to the wonderful boyfriend who played guardian to me throughout the trip, THANK YOU for planning the trip and taking care of ALL the details prior to the trip, right down to my attire for the bike trail and spending close to a bomb on everything, especially my boots.

On top of that, you did an incredible job taking such good care of me during the trip and I love you even more for not holding it against me for running you down and injuring you when I lost control of the bike! ):

I'm sure this trip'll go down as one of the most eventful "First(s)" in our memory bank!

Lastly, thank you for accompanying me in "Cat A" and spending the bulk of your time "learning" stuff you've known for 5 years. And chronicling my "debut" bike riding with so many videos and pictures!

I especially love this shot you snapped when I was totally unaware. [:

95. March into March.

MARCHING W MY HEAD HELD HIGH.

March came pre-packed with the dreaded exams but in every "horrible" gift, there's always something nice. Likewise in every person. I resolve to see the good in everyone until I'm shown the bad, that's a good movement, right?

It has been one helluva busy 2 months of the new year for me and so many things have happened! Some bad, mostly good. I wish I could share it with you. It really sucks that I can't pick up the phone and tell you about my life and plans like how I'm going to intern at a prestigious fine-dining restaurant, and that I'm finally going to learn bike-riding and hopefully get my license by the end of the year! There's just SO MANY things I want to share with you, knowing YOU of all people, will be so damn happy and proud of me. I've been pushing thoughts of you to the back of my mind for fear of breaking down when I think of you. You've taught me to be a strong, independent person and I've always thought I am too until lately it seems I'm just good at deceiving myself.

But, this March, I'm setting aside some time for friends, myself and you. We'll re-visit those wonderful memories of us that I've denied myself for so long and then I can give in and have myself a good, long cry. I'll never stop missing you but I can come to terms with your death. I need to. It is 'March' after all, it's the month for 'Marching forward'. Yes, I made that up but it does make a good reason for me to start.

Till then, I love you so, so, so much Papa, don't you forget.

94. Dream a little dream

IF I COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME.

It was you on Monday. It sounds so silly, it's not like I'm the ghost whisperer or something but it felt so real, I'm pretty damn sure it was for real.

We had a conversation, you held my hand like you used to when I was little. We talked. You even mentioned about my tattoo! Then you showed me two drawings and suggested I do a tattoo of one of them. I have the coolest dad.

It was short, and it could very well be our last conversation; but it's okayy, it felt so good to watch you laugh.

I still miss you, maybe more than ever. I love you Papa, your birthday's in about a week's time. I'll still wish you like I always do! (:

93. This void can't be filled.

What's so great about the New Year?