74. This is my best explanation.

I'M TOO TIRED TO FEED YOUR NEED.

I always begin my entries with a little quote or some line from a song. It acts sort of like a pre-cursor to the entry if it's somewhat related to it or totally random and unrelated to the entry itself. And today, while I waited for the usual 'brainfart' to kick start my entry, that came to mind.

As my fingers did a hopscotch across the keyboard (seriously, they do cos I type with both my index, only), I watch the words that materialize across the screen and form the foreboding sentence. Only then did I allow myself to admit that this thought has been on my mind for most of the time I am conscious.

It is always 'I' who wasn't there for you, 'I' who neglected you, 'I' who wasn't there to nurse your heartbreak, 'I' who left you lonely, 'I' who shoulders the blame and take on the patchwork-repair of our friendship.

I don't even want to start asking, "What about you?"

'I' am NOT ok. 'I' have overestimated my tolerance level and 'I' am weak and exhausted and it's time to admit that I need to give up this act of pretence. The pretence that things are good, or will get BETTER, the pretence that not a single thread of our patchwork friendship is out of place. The truth is ugly and the truth is, everything is unravelling, everything is bursting at the seams.

I'm feeling the strain. The strain of having my feet in a pair of shoes that I grew up wearing and loved that doesn't fit anymore. It's painfully plain and straightforward - both the wearer and the shoe feels the strain and one or the other will call it quits one day.

We've changed. You love to bask in the company of friends whereas I now seek solace in solitude and rejoice when I could snooze for an extra 3 minutes without missing the morning bus. You reminisce the times we talk every night. Truth is I hardly talk on the phone to ANYONE and when I do, I end up spitting fire at my boyfriend because I'm too tired.

You talk about vulnerability of friendships but has it occurred to you that I am human and feel vulnerable too? You make me feel like I have the responsibility to fill up all the empty pockets in your timeslot, that I have to give you priority slot of my time - how can I do so when I hardly have time for myself? You then attribute it to the presence of a partner in my life. If I may summon a witness in this "court and jury", I would put my boyfriend on the stand and make him declare how much of my time he has and during the measly time, how much cheerlessness, disquietude and angst he had to put up with.

You feel the strain of not having me around. I feel the strain of being constantly needed by you and the strain of feeling 'indebted' when you complain I'm never there.

I'm way below the expectation you have set for me. To meet it I need to give up all that I have meticulously calculated and allocated time for and I don't have it in me to watch the world I carefully built crumble.

I explained to you before and I thought you understood. There is no such thing as a 'flawless' person. This is the best I can give you. I'm sorry I don't have time to be the bestfriend you want me to be.