HOLD ON TIGHT WHEN
YOU FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.
Last night, Nic and I had a talk which ended in me crying buckets, again. Which resulted in a night of restless sleep and waking up with golf balls for eyes. I'm such an emotional wreck! I have loved very few people in life and Nic was one of them. I guess letting go a 4 year relationship isn't such an easy feat as I thought it would be.
From the day we broke up up til now, I haven't had a good, satisfying cry that revolves around THE breakup. When faced with the question about how we were dealing with the breakup, "We're dealing with it fine, thank you" comes out even before my mind could process what was being asked. Not that I deserve a pat on the back for that but it's just that; I'm the stronger of the two of us, naturally I had to not be the one who breaks down, right? To be honest, it's actually incredibly hard keeping it together but being sad is not "cool".
Our breakup was amicable and we're both back into the 'dating pool' so what seems to be the problem? Simple. Because apart from being an alpha bitch and a control freak, I'm also, um, well, a sentimental new age lesbian who's still holding onto a promise we made to each other back when we were seeing rainbows and roses in each other's eyes.
It's like a piece of me I left behind and I can't function as a whole since.
It's the 'ooky eeky nagging' feeling you get when you start a new book knowing you haven't completed the last.
It's a feeling of unfinished business.
Because of that, I blow hot and cold. I wake up everyday a completely different person. Someday I would be completely rational, straight-forward and accepting of everything. Some other day, I would be floundering in apathy and numbness. And on some other days (the worst of the lot) I would be weepy, vicious, and bitter. Tomorrow, who knows? All this moodiness is throwing me off and I feel like I'm teetering at the edge of a breakdown.
In closing, I feel in order for me to have truly rewarding relationships in future and to feel a happiness bubbling from within, I need to 'complete' this book once and for all, slam it shut, put it into the library of memories and classify it as 'One of the Best Books Ever'. The End.
Disclaimer: No need for tissue or words of comfort, I'm not weeping over lost love nor am I still 'in love'. It's a totally different feeling and I'm still looking for a way to put it down in words. (:
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