121. Almost there.

SO I WORK REAL HARD, EACH AND EVERY DAY,
NOW THINGS FOR SURE ARE GOING MY WAY. 

Getting closer and closer every day. And....we collected the keys to our home yesterday! I'm tearing up as I type this - it's the hormones at work I swear :')

Obligatory first shot of us, standing in the our living room!

Best song to sum up everything.



Pa, I wish you could see me now. I wish you could meet this man who dotes on me with his life. I wish you could see our little home that we worked so hard for. Where ever you are, I hope you're happy and proud of what I've achieved. Missing and loving you every day.

120. So much tears.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP ON PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE BUT BECAUSE THEY DON'T.

I'm here, once again, blowing off the "digital cobwebs" which would have engulfed this little digital space if it could be physically seen.

It seems I am here only when I have my heart broken. Pathetic as it may be, crawling into this little "hole of solace" to "lick my wounds" seem to be the most therapeutic and befitting cathartic experience.

Yesterday, 23rd March 2015, Singapore mourns for her loss of a great leader, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. There were a lot of tears. I shed my fair share as I read few of the many eulogies that surfaced online, one more poignant than the previous. And then I cried more that evening. This time not for the late Mr Lee but because I had my own "bubble popped". I lost a best friend.

I learnt a very hard lesson and that promises made in good times are hardly kept and spiteful words during bad times... is brutal honesty in its rawest form. I should never have expected the same love as I have given you because in your words, "I am not you".

You are right. While I may treasure you like the little sister that you are to me, I shouldn't have expected the same from you. In retrospect, I feel foolish to have thought I was as important to you as you are to me.

There are two people I want to have my solemnization more than anyone else in the whole world - My dad, and you. While it pains me that Papa cannot be physically there, I was comforted that you would be there.

Now, your words resonates in my mind and mocks me constantly, "Vows can be renewed every year... you'll never know when you'll be spending your last birthday with your loved one.", "When I die on my bday, I make sure you regret the most, for how you are handling this situation".

"Yeah yeah send over all your guilt trips" - never my intention because I know you well enough to know it doesn't work on you. Also, I didn't have any "fight" in me left to "devise" the so-called guilt trip.. I had just taken a blow; the kind of emotional hurt that penetrates through physical armor which renders a person helpless. You've seen me at my worst, and would not even falter when you saw blood trickling from my arm so what are words but futile and feeble attempts at introducing "guilt" to you?

You have always known to hit where it hurts and yesterday was a wake up call for me after 11 years. The hurt was eerily similar - then, as lovers, and now, as friends.

Then I realize, I cannot fault you for the hurt. You are you and have always been. The reason I hurt, is because I care and love you too much. I've spoilt you with love. While love is selfless, humans will always be selfish. Life will go on and we will continue to collect memories filled with tears and laughter; hopefully more of the latter but this hurt and fear of being hurt again cannot be erased.

I am not sorry I love you so much but I have to learn to stop. If not now, then when?

If I left, would you be glad?
Deep in my heart
I'll always know;
I'll love you always,
Even if I go.

119. The healing process

I'd thought I'd made a mistake. A mistake to love you and over-invest in this relationship; but you were out to prove me wrong and you told me only time will tell and you will prove your worth.

In the days that have passed since the unforgettable 22nd February 2014 (which is also the birth date of my first nephew so it's really hard to forget), I have suffered several recurring heartbreaks, crying fest and volatile outbursts. Some alone, most with you by my side, holding me tight and kissing my tears away.

I read online that "A relationship that starts at the peak with an all-consuming passion has a higher risk of burning out quickly. It is the relationship that starts on a strong foundation of moderate love, mutual respect, shared beliefs and tolerance that has a greater potential of growing better each day..."  and ours is the perfect example of the latter - we didn't have the "passion" like that of a love affair. In fact, it felt almost (sadly) like an arrange matrimony; an arrangement forced by me (haha!). I was so eager to love you and your response, well, lukewarm, kindly put. Along the way, we "rised up the ranks" to become one of the sweetest and most loving couple, something I never thought we would but thanked God everyday that we did.

The healing process hasn't been and isn't going to be an easy one but you're doing a fine job baby. Thank you.

PS. Got my first breakfast made by you today.

118. Mantra

"Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better."

I'm becoming obsessed.

117. "Zom"-bified.

YOU  CAN GET ADDICTED TO A CERTAIN KIND OF SADNESS.

They say, when a couple brave through storms together, they grow stronger.

I want to believe that. 
I want to believe you. 
I want to wake up not remembering how you made me cry. 
I want to stop feeling this pain.

Can I?

116. Why

It's been a long time since I wrote. Unless you consider daily writings - sure, I write e-mails and quotations to clients everyday; and love letters to you, too. Love letters. The last time I wrote these words, I was smiling to myself and radiating with love. Now I just feel like a lovelorn girl who is stupid enough to let her idealism of love fool her.

The idea that you were juggling chatting with both of us doesn't sit well with me. I wonder if you were "mesmerizing" her as you read my letters or were my letters chucked aside and only read when loneliness creeps up on you after you tuck her in with your sweet words? Do you know the amount of time spent on each letter? Do you feel the love pouring from each page? No. Because had you, your heart would have denied any feelings beyond purely platonic. But that wasn't good enough. You had to develop feelings for someone you barely know just cos she threw flattery your way. Wow, I feel special. I took weeks and months and all she took was a little flattery, girl-next-door crush and a cute face. BAM! It cheapens our love when yours is so easily bought.

And I'd thought you were 'different'. I guess under the skin and clothes, you're all the same make-up; it's in your DNA. Just because you don't join the band wagon of guys who'll fuck anything that breathes and wears a bra, doesn't make you a saint.

Nevertheless, I got to thank you for respecting me enough to tell me. I really appreciate that Baby; but I don't share. I  didn't give my all to that ONE man in my life, spring out of bed at 6:00am in the morning just to prepare your breakfast every time you stay over, discount on my sleep just to write letters for each day of your trip (to keep your boredom at bay & in case you miss me - ha! Now I feel so dumb), take time off work to head over to your place to change your bedspread so you can come home to a clean bed after your long absence from home, JUST TO SHARE YOUR LOVE.

Why? Why couldn't you keep our love special? Why did you go and let someone into your heart, so easily?

It's Saturday, the 22nd February - I had been counting down to your coming home. Call me melodramatic, but today you broke my heart. It's today that I learnt that my love for you all these while isn't enough. And will probably never be. And this lesson I'll never forget.

115. "Her"

We're perfect. Or so I'd like to think so. When asked the million dollar question, "Are you sure he is the guy you want to marry?" My answer is always a "Yes" without the slightest bit of hesitation because way before anyone could ask me that question, I've asked myself that a million times , and more.

From the moment we embarked on this journey of "together", I had my heart and mind set on forever. True, you didn't "fit the bill" - far from it in fact. But I was won over by your candid honesty and innocence. I knew after our third date (?) I had to keep you away from the "clutches" of evil-gold-digging-heartbreakers. Ha! What a self-proclaimed Samaritan I was. As time goes by, I knew I wanted nothing more than to be the one polishing your medals of honour when you are at your peak and the one kissing your grazed knees should you fall in life. I am willing to step up the role of a wife; and mother in time to come but all these hopes and dreams that we both built threatens to crumble with "her" presence.

I guess in every loving relationship, another "her" always spells trouble right?

114. The Beatles

This makes me so happy.

{The Beatles Player}

113. Proud and ashamed.

I can't say how proud I am of you Soldier boy. You're one step and a month's (?) time closer to attaining your badge. But that would also mean we'll be apart for 3 weeks. Had my last paper today and it was so awfully sweet of you to try means and ways to soothe the wrinkles caused by worries away and instead, cheered me up by offering to study w me should I need to sit for supp paper(s).

Can't wait to see you tomorrow.

& oh, I splurged. A dress. A skirt. 3 necklaces. All under 3 hours. I literally had to tear myself away from getting the bag from Aldo. (I'm still thinking about it.) & oh gosh, the after-splurge guilt and loathing and questioning, "Do I really want this? Do I really look nice in this? Should I take it back to the store?"

Oh damn.

-
EDIT // 3:31 AM

The workout I just did should serve as a punishment for my frivolous shopping - but I'm mighty pleased with myself nonetheless! (BEAMS)

Picture below was taken in the changing room during my post-exam-shopping-spree earlier and that's the skirt bought on impulse but putting that aside, let's shift our focus to those unsightly bulges.
.
..
...
...like potatoes in a sack PLEASE!?! So, it isn't so splurge-worthy after all BUT since I've already bought it, for whatever reasons that spurred to me to do so, I am determined to wear it - and look good in it. So...I'm challenging myself; I'll take a picture of myself wearing it again in 2 weeks' time (15.03.12) after a series of workout and see if we can see visible improvement!

Till then, the skirt shall remain tagged and unworn. Challenge's on!

112. No way

Last night, I felt like I lost a spark of passion. I'm hoping it's a "one time" thing that I can attribute to me being sick.

111. Cos you'll always be my No.1

Friday tomorrow and I'm dizzy w excitement. 2 years, and just 4 months short of 3; I still get all excited at the thought of meeting you! It feels like my first few dates w you, and that suits me just fine. Damn, have I missed you this whole week. :]

110. "Gif" for you

A super quick post cos the bed beckons. I know you're working hard and mighty stressed at work so here's a lil something to put that smile back on that face I love so.

109. One step closer

CAN YOU MAKE IT FEEL LIKE HOME, IF I TELL YOU YOU'RE MINE?

Somewhere above, someone must be smiling down on me. & I won't be surprised if it was you Papa.

Two entries back I mentioned about balloting for our flat; the results came out earlier than expected and we received unexpected good news - yup, WE GOT IT! Now we just got to choose our unit, wait for the completion of the construction and move in. To say I'm elated is an understatement. I had to pinch myself. And I would probably continue to do so until the day we move in.

In fact, we were so excited at the prospect of getting our own place, we went over to where our flats would be (currently an empty piece of land) and 'explored the neighbourhood'. Yes, I know what they say about counting your chicks before they hatch but our excitement was too much for us to contain. So in a nutshell, there isn't much to complain about my life; good friends, good bosses and a super doting boyfriend who took the initiative to help me realise my dream, now OUR dream. Plus, this piece of good news would tide me over any struggles that'll come my way. Things are definitely looking up, don't they always when you give it some time?

108. Seriously

I MUST, I MUST, I MUST - I MUST INCREASE MY BUST!

When I first heard that rhyme (back in Primary 6 during CHIJ Katong Primary's 70th anniversary), I laughed OUT LOUD. This one-liner still amuses me till today.Yeap, my sense of humour hasn't changed much. On another totally unrelated note, 2012 promises (let's see if it proves) to be a very exciting year.

Firstly, in exactly a month's time; 29 days to be exact since we have 29 days this February, I won't have to go back to school ANYMORE! Yay or Nay? For someone who doesn't enjoy regurgitating what I read in exchange for marks, I'll vote for the former. No more school means I will finally quit my "double life" as a student/sales assistant to be a FULL-TIME.....that's where some serious decisions need to be made.

And while we're on the topic of 'serious decisions', I have made some decisions to make a few changes in my life:

1) Lose 5 kg. Now, cellulite and thick thighs (plus natural child-bearing hips) have always plagued me since puberty. If I am allowed to be dramatic, THEY HAVE RUINED MY ADOLESCENT PHASE and more than bruised my ego on countless occasions. If I was someone with little confidence, I would have flung myself off a building because "THICK THIGHS RUINED MY LIFE." Yeah, that's probably how I would start my suicide note. So thank God I am able to seek solace in my other shinier attributes like...I'll leave that for another day.

2) Invisalign. "For what?" STRAIGHTEN MY TEETH SO I CAN HAVE A MEGA-WATT SMILE. "But your smile is FINEEE!!!" So it is. Then can I do it so I can INCREASE THE VALUE OF MY CURRENT SMILE??? And even if it means spending my hard-earned $6k to (worst case scenario) $10k on getting my dream smile, I am WILLING to do it just cos it will make me really happy; YES, even when I lie in my coffin next time, I will leave specific instructions for my mortician to show my Invisalign-ed teeth.

It's so hard for people to understand your dreams because as long as they are not on the "same page", they immediately categorize them as "junk wants". It's frustrating. And worse is that you get berated or a whole guilt-tripping lecture that makes you want to surrender all your money to the Feedthechildrenfoundation.com (I made that up). SIGH. It's no wonder depressed artists commit suicide all the time. Because people don't understand their dreams. Van Gogh was depressed, Picasso was, so was Da Vinci right? And after they die, people suddenly value their creations and dreams they once had. (The fuck?)

So to wrap it all up, I am serious. I really want these and I thank anybody who'll support me through these decisions (ability to help me lose weight is a bonus).

I. Will. Get. It.

107. Numbed

They say, "One man's treasure is another man's trash." So I mistook your treasure for trash, there wasn't a need to treat me like trash.

107. Home is where the heart belongs.

I'M COMING HOME, TO A PLACE WHERE I BELONG.

'Home'. The word and I never quite gelled. But it never stopped me from hoping for my own and today, that spark of hope glowed just a little brighter. (:

The boy and I balloted for our flat today (yay!) and I've never been happier parting with my $10 (mandatory balloting fee).


3 weeks. In 3 weeks' time we'll know if we get to choose our flat.

I've waited years, what is 3 weeks.

106. 365

LET'S HOPE IT'S A GOOD ONE WITHOUT ANY TEARS.

"I can't live without you."

That's what poets say. Today marks the 365th day you're gone and I'm still alive; but that doesn't mean I don't think about you every single day. I love you Pa, as always, if not more.

105. The end of 5th Dec.

For my birthday this year, all I want is to have you back. And since I can't have that, I wish with all my birthday luck that you'll be the happiest man wherever you are. I love you Pa.

104. OLEH x3

103. GOODS TO DECLARE

ONE DAY WHEN YOUTH IS ONLY A MEMORY, I KNOW YOU'LL BE STANDING NEXT TO ME. -Love Will Show You Everything

Songs are wonderful. In just plain, glorious genius of the song writer, the two lines above summed up how I feel.

Lately "entries" have been little blurbs of thoughts that I hastily type down and likened to "Tweets" on Twitter. Since we got together, I've composed many "Thank you" speeches in my mind when you spoiled me rotten but as deliriously happy as I am, I've also been too busy and lazy so....here's a toast to a proper thank YOU entry in the longest of time.

This is an unabashed declaration of love for Junda Ng aka My Boyfriend and the goods he has showered on me. So, for those of you allergic to sweet nothings, you've been warned.

I can thank you for all the movies dates, meals, trips and material stuff you buy me but what really hits the spot at the end of the day and affirms my decision on you is how you relentlessly try to appease me when I'm miffed, how you try to iron things out when at times, it looks so hopelessly crinkled, no amount of "ironing" could smooth-en. And above it all, it's the acts of services you do with little, almost no complaints and most of all, the handmade gifts that tugs at the heartstrings.

The reason why I decided to have this 'Goods to Declare' entry is simply because in the age and time where one heavily relies on technology and digital images to chronicle their memory, I want to have a piece of my memory here on the world wide web, with the hope that should time savage all material stuff and turn them to dust and ashes, I would at least have this to remember all my fondest memory by (unless one day blogger and world wide web cease to exist).

This montage alone doesn't even make up 1/3 of the stuff you've made me over the course of these 2 years+.

And you surprised me again 2 days back with yet another hand made gift that made me the envy of all kids and girls with boyfriends in tow.

When I saw this, I was totally blown over and enamoured. It is clear why handmade gifts strikes the right chord in one's heart (at least in mine it does); because of the thought and process; time and effort; and no amount of money can buy that.

If you're reading this, I want you to know that all your time spent bent hours over a new creation, sacrificing sleep; it's all taken to account and appreciated by me. I don't know how many times I can thank you, (probably never enough) but I do hope from the look on my face, you know just how happy you've made me. We all have our ways of loving and you're loving me well. Made me the envy of others, spoiling me silly, yes, but keep doing what you're doing. (:

You even got the "SPG-ers" in me going, "Awww, this one's a keeper."

I love you Junda, without a doubt and thank you for loving me!