121. Almost there.

SO I WORK REAL HARD, EACH AND EVERY DAY,
NOW THINGS FOR SURE ARE GOING MY WAY. 

Getting closer and closer every day. And....we collected the keys to our home yesterday! I'm tearing up as I type this - it's the hormones at work I swear :')

Obligatory first shot of us, standing in the our living room!

Best song to sum up everything.



Pa, I wish you could see me now. I wish you could meet this man who dotes on me with his life. I wish you could see our little home that we worked so hard for. Where ever you are, I hope you're happy and proud of what I've achieved. Missing and loving you every day.

120. So much tears.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP ON PEOPLE. NOT BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE BUT BECAUSE THEY DON'T.

I'm here, once again, blowing off the "digital cobwebs" which would have engulfed this little digital space if it could be physically seen.

It seems I am here only when I have my heart broken. Pathetic as it may be, crawling into this little "hole of solace" to "lick my wounds" seem to be the most therapeutic and befitting cathartic experience.

Yesterday, 23rd March 2015, Singapore mourns for her loss of a great leader, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. There were a lot of tears. I shed my fair share as I read few of the many eulogies that surfaced online, one more poignant than the previous. And then I cried more that evening. This time not for the late Mr Lee but because I had my own "bubble popped". I lost a best friend.

I learnt a very hard lesson and that promises made in good times are hardly kept and spiteful words during bad times... is brutal honesty in its rawest form. I should never have expected the same love as I have given you because in your words, "I am not you".

You are right. While I may treasure you like the little sister that you are to me, I shouldn't have expected the same from you. In retrospect, I feel foolish to have thought I was as important to you as you are to me.

There are two people I want to have my solemnization more than anyone else in the whole world - My dad, and you. While it pains me that Papa cannot be physically there, I was comforted that you would be there.

Now, your words resonates in my mind and mocks me constantly, "Vows can be renewed every year... you'll never know when you'll be spending your last birthday with your loved one.", "When I die on my bday, I make sure you regret the most, for how you are handling this situation".

"Yeah yeah send over all your guilt trips" - never my intention because I know you well enough to know it doesn't work on you. Also, I didn't have any "fight" in me left to "devise" the so-called guilt trip.. I had just taken a blow; the kind of emotional hurt that penetrates through physical armor which renders a person helpless. You've seen me at my worst, and would not even falter when you saw blood trickling from my arm so what are words but futile and feeble attempts at introducing "guilt" to you?

You have always known to hit where it hurts and yesterday was a wake up call for me after 11 years. The hurt was eerily similar - then, as lovers, and now, as friends.

Then I realize, I cannot fault you for the hurt. You are you and have always been. The reason I hurt, is because I care and love you too much. I've spoilt you with love. While love is selfless, humans will always be selfish. Life will go on and we will continue to collect memories filled with tears and laughter; hopefully more of the latter but this hurt and fear of being hurt again cannot be erased.

I am not sorry I love you so much but I have to learn to stop. If not now, then when?

If I left, would you be glad?
Deep in my heart
I'll always know;
I'll love you always,
Even if I go.

119. The healing process

I'd thought I'd made a mistake. A mistake to love you and over-invest in this relationship; but you were out to prove me wrong and you told me only time will tell and you will prove your worth.

In the days that have passed since the unforgettable 22nd February 2014 (which is also the birth date of my first nephew so it's really hard to forget), I have suffered several recurring heartbreaks, crying fest and volatile outbursts. Some alone, most with you by my side, holding me tight and kissing my tears away.

I read online that "A relationship that starts at the peak with an all-consuming passion has a higher risk of burning out quickly. It is the relationship that starts on a strong foundation of moderate love, mutual respect, shared beliefs and tolerance that has a greater potential of growing better each day..."  and ours is the perfect example of the latter - we didn't have the "passion" like that of a love affair. In fact, it felt almost (sadly) like an arrange matrimony; an arrangement forced by me (haha!). I was so eager to love you and your response, well, lukewarm, kindly put. Along the way, we "rised up the ranks" to become one of the sweetest and most loving couple, something I never thought we would but thanked God everyday that we did.

The healing process hasn't been and isn't going to be an easy one but you're doing a fine job baby. Thank you.

PS. Got my first breakfast made by you today.

118. Mantra

"Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better."

I'm becoming obsessed.

117. "Zom"-bified.

YOU  CAN GET ADDICTED TO A CERTAIN KIND OF SADNESS.

They say, when a couple brave through storms together, they grow stronger.

I want to believe that. 
I want to believe you. 
I want to wake up not remembering how you made me cry. 
I want to stop feeling this pain.

Can I?

116. Why

It's been a long time since I wrote. Unless you consider daily writings - sure, I write e-mails and quotations to clients everyday; and love letters to you, too. Love letters. The last time I wrote these words, I was smiling to myself and radiating with love. Now I just feel like a lovelorn girl who is stupid enough to let her idealism of love fool her.

The idea that you were juggling chatting with both of us doesn't sit well with me. I wonder if you were "mesmerizing" her as you read my letters or were my letters chucked aside and only read when loneliness creeps up on you after you tuck her in with your sweet words? Do you know the amount of time spent on each letter? Do you feel the love pouring from each page? No. Because had you, your heart would have denied any feelings beyond purely platonic. But that wasn't good enough. You had to develop feelings for someone you barely know just cos she threw flattery your way. Wow, I feel special. I took weeks and months and all she took was a little flattery, girl-next-door crush and a cute face. BAM! It cheapens our love when yours is so easily bought.

And I'd thought you were 'different'. I guess under the skin and clothes, you're all the same make-up; it's in your DNA. Just because you don't join the band wagon of guys who'll fuck anything that breathes and wears a bra, doesn't make you a saint.

Nevertheless, I got to thank you for respecting me enough to tell me. I really appreciate that Baby; but I don't share. I  didn't give my all to that ONE man in my life, spring out of bed at 6:00am in the morning just to prepare your breakfast every time you stay over, discount on my sleep just to write letters for each day of your trip (to keep your boredom at bay & in case you miss me - ha! Now I feel so dumb), take time off work to head over to your place to change your bedspread so you can come home to a clean bed after your long absence from home, JUST TO SHARE YOUR LOVE.

Why? Why couldn't you keep our love special? Why did you go and let someone into your heart, so easily?

It's Saturday, the 22nd February - I had been counting down to your coming home. Call me melodramatic, but today you broke my heart. It's today that I learnt that my love for you all these while isn't enough. And will probably never be. And this lesson I'll never forget.

115. "Her"

We're perfect. Or so I'd like to think so. When asked the million dollar question, "Are you sure he is the guy you want to marry?" My answer is always a "Yes" without the slightest bit of hesitation because way before anyone could ask me that question, I've asked myself that a million times , and more.

From the moment we embarked on this journey of "together", I had my heart and mind set on forever. True, you didn't "fit the bill" - far from it in fact. But I was won over by your candid honesty and innocence. I knew after our third date (?) I had to keep you away from the "clutches" of evil-gold-digging-heartbreakers. Ha! What a self-proclaimed Samaritan I was. As time goes by, I knew I wanted nothing more than to be the one polishing your medals of honour when you are at your peak and the one kissing your grazed knees should you fall in life. I am willing to step up the role of a wife; and mother in time to come but all these hopes and dreams that we both built threatens to crumble with "her" presence.

I guess in every loving relationship, another "her" always spells trouble right?

114. The Beatles

This makes me so happy.

{The Beatles Player}

113. Proud and ashamed.

I can't say how proud I am of you Soldier boy. You're one step and a month's (?) time closer to attaining your badge. But that would also mean we'll be apart for 3 weeks. Had my last paper today and it was so awfully sweet of you to try means and ways to soothe the wrinkles caused by worries away and instead, cheered me up by offering to study w me should I need to sit for supp paper(s).

Can't wait to see you tomorrow.

& oh, I splurged. A dress. A skirt. 3 necklaces. All under 3 hours. I literally had to tear myself away from getting the bag from Aldo. (I'm still thinking about it.) & oh gosh, the after-splurge guilt and loathing and questioning, "Do I really want this? Do I really look nice in this? Should I take it back to the store?"

Oh damn.

-
EDIT // 3:31 AM

The workout I just did should serve as a punishment for my frivolous shopping - but I'm mighty pleased with myself nonetheless! (BEAMS)

Picture below was taken in the changing room during my post-exam-shopping-spree earlier and that's the skirt bought on impulse but putting that aside, let's shift our focus to those unsightly bulges.
.
..
...
...like potatoes in a sack PLEASE!?! So, it isn't so splurge-worthy after all BUT since I've already bought it, for whatever reasons that spurred to me to do so, I am determined to wear it - and look good in it. So...I'm challenging myself; I'll take a picture of myself wearing it again in 2 weeks' time (15.03.12) after a series of workout and see if we can see visible improvement!

Till then, the skirt shall remain tagged and unworn. Challenge's on!

112. No way

Last night, I felt like I lost a spark of passion. I'm hoping it's a "one time" thing that I can attribute to me being sick.

111. Cos you'll always be my No.1

Friday tomorrow and I'm dizzy w excitement. 2 years, and just 4 months short of 3; I still get all excited at the thought of meeting you! It feels like my first few dates w you, and that suits me just fine. Damn, have I missed you this whole week. :]

110. "Gif" for you

A super quick post cos the bed beckons. I know you're working hard and mighty stressed at work so here's a lil something to put that smile back on that face I love so.

109. One step closer

CAN YOU MAKE IT FEEL LIKE HOME, IF I TELL YOU YOU'RE MINE?

Somewhere above, someone must be smiling down on me. & I won't be surprised if it was you Papa.

Two entries back I mentioned about balloting for our flat; the results came out earlier than expected and we received unexpected good news - yup, WE GOT IT! Now we just got to choose our unit, wait for the completion of the construction and move in. To say I'm elated is an understatement. I had to pinch myself. And I would probably continue to do so until the day we move in.

In fact, we were so excited at the prospect of getting our own place, we went over to where our flats would be (currently an empty piece of land) and 'explored the neighbourhood'. Yes, I know what they say about counting your chicks before they hatch but our excitement was too much for us to contain. So in a nutshell, there isn't much to complain about my life; good friends, good bosses and a super doting boyfriend who took the initiative to help me realise my dream, now OUR dream. Plus, this piece of good news would tide me over any struggles that'll come my way. Things are definitely looking up, don't they always when you give it some time?

108. Seriously

I MUST, I MUST, I MUST - I MUST INCREASE MY BUST!

When I first heard that rhyme (back in Primary 6 during CHIJ Katong Primary's 70th anniversary), I laughed OUT LOUD. This one-liner still amuses me till today.Yeap, my sense of humour hasn't changed much. On another totally unrelated note, 2012 promises (let's see if it proves) to be a very exciting year.

Firstly, in exactly a month's time; 29 days to be exact since we have 29 days this February, I won't have to go back to school ANYMORE! Yay or Nay? For someone who doesn't enjoy regurgitating what I read in exchange for marks, I'll vote for the former. No more school means I will finally quit my "double life" as a student/sales assistant to be a FULL-TIME.....that's where some serious decisions need to be made.

And while we're on the topic of 'serious decisions', I have made some decisions to make a few changes in my life:

1) Lose 5 kg. Now, cellulite and thick thighs (plus natural child-bearing hips) have always plagued me since puberty. If I am allowed to be dramatic, THEY HAVE RUINED MY ADOLESCENT PHASE and more than bruised my ego on countless occasions. If I was someone with little confidence, I would have flung myself off a building because "THICK THIGHS RUINED MY LIFE." Yeah, that's probably how I would start my suicide note. So thank God I am able to seek solace in my other shinier attributes like...I'll leave that for another day.

2) Invisalign. "For what?" STRAIGHTEN MY TEETH SO I CAN HAVE A MEGA-WATT SMILE. "But your smile is FINEEE!!!" So it is. Then can I do it so I can INCREASE THE VALUE OF MY CURRENT SMILE??? And even if it means spending my hard-earned $6k to (worst case scenario) $10k on getting my dream smile, I am WILLING to do it just cos it will make me really happy; YES, even when I lie in my coffin next time, I will leave specific instructions for my mortician to show my Invisalign-ed teeth.

It's so hard for people to understand your dreams because as long as they are not on the "same page", they immediately categorize them as "junk wants". It's frustrating. And worse is that you get berated or a whole guilt-tripping lecture that makes you want to surrender all your money to the Feedthechildrenfoundation.com (I made that up). SIGH. It's no wonder depressed artists commit suicide all the time. Because people don't understand their dreams. Van Gogh was depressed, Picasso was, so was Da Vinci right? And after they die, people suddenly value their creations and dreams they once had. (The fuck?)

So to wrap it all up, I am serious. I really want these and I thank anybody who'll support me through these decisions (ability to help me lose weight is a bonus).

I. Will. Get. It.

107. Numbed

They say, "One man's treasure is another man's trash." So I mistook your treasure for trash, there wasn't a need to treat me like trash.

107. Home is where the heart belongs.

I'M COMING HOME, TO A PLACE WHERE I BELONG.

'Home'. The word and I never quite gelled. But it never stopped me from hoping for my own and today, that spark of hope glowed just a little brighter. (:

The boy and I balloted for our flat today (yay!) and I've never been happier parting with my $10 (mandatory balloting fee).


3 weeks. In 3 weeks' time we'll know if we get to choose our flat.

I've waited years, what is 3 weeks.

106. 365

LET'S HOPE IT'S A GOOD ONE WITHOUT ANY TEARS.

"I can't live without you."

That's what poets say. Today marks the 365th day you're gone and I'm still alive; but that doesn't mean I don't think about you every single day. I love you Pa, as always, if not more.

105. The end of 5th Dec.

For my birthday this year, all I want is to have you back. And since I can't have that, I wish with all my birthday luck that you'll be the happiest man wherever you are. I love you Pa.

104. OLEH x3

103. GOODS TO DECLARE

ONE DAY WHEN YOUTH IS ONLY A MEMORY, I KNOW YOU'LL BE STANDING NEXT TO ME. -Love Will Show You Everything

Songs are wonderful. In just plain, glorious genius of the song writer, the two lines above summed up how I feel.

Lately "entries" have been little blurbs of thoughts that I hastily type down and likened to "Tweets" on Twitter. Since we got together, I've composed many "Thank you" speeches in my mind when you spoiled me rotten but as deliriously happy as I am, I've also been too busy and lazy so....here's a toast to a proper thank YOU entry in the longest of time.

This is an unabashed declaration of love for Junda Ng aka My Boyfriend and the goods he has showered on me. So, for those of you allergic to sweet nothings, you've been warned.

I can thank you for all the movies dates, meals, trips and material stuff you buy me but what really hits the spot at the end of the day and affirms my decision on you is how you relentlessly try to appease me when I'm miffed, how you try to iron things out when at times, it looks so hopelessly crinkled, no amount of "ironing" could smooth-en. And above it all, it's the acts of services you do with little, almost no complaints and most of all, the handmade gifts that tugs at the heartstrings.

The reason why I decided to have this 'Goods to Declare' entry is simply because in the age and time where one heavily relies on technology and digital images to chronicle their memory, I want to have a piece of my memory here on the world wide web, with the hope that should time savage all material stuff and turn them to dust and ashes, I would at least have this to remember all my fondest memory by (unless one day blogger and world wide web cease to exist).

This montage alone doesn't even make up 1/3 of the stuff you've made me over the course of these 2 years+.

And you surprised me again 2 days back with yet another hand made gift that made me the envy of all kids and girls with boyfriends in tow.

When I saw this, I was totally blown over and enamoured. It is clear why handmade gifts strikes the right chord in one's heart (at least in mine it does); because of the thought and process; time and effort; and no amount of money can buy that.

If you're reading this, I want you to know that all your time spent bent hours over a new creation, sacrificing sleep; it's all taken to account and appreciated by me. I don't know how many times I can thank you, (probably never enough) but I do hope from the look on my face, you know just how happy you've made me. We all have our ways of loving and you're loving me well. Made me the envy of others, spoiling me silly, yes, but keep doing what you're doing. (:

You even got the "SPG-ers" in me going, "Awww, this one's a keeper."

I love you Junda, without a doubt and thank you for loving me!

102. Thai Boyfriend

I-I LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG BABY,

& I KEEP HITTING RE-PEAT-PEAT-PEAT-PEAT-PEAT.

101. It's all about you.

YESTERDAY YOU ASKED ME SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

These days, I hardly have time to sit down and chronicle my life here, and when I do, it's mostly about you. When I dream of you, I like to tell myself that it is you coming back to see me.

I'm someone who has crazy Harry Potter-like dreams that don't make sense but when it comes to dreams of you, it's so...real. I want to make a record of all the dreams I have of you so in case, just in case you don't "come by" anymore, I have this memories to remember you by.

The last dream of you was 2 weeks ago, a very short one. You asked me if I love you and I said "Of cos I do." Then you asked for a peck on the cheek like I used to give. The next instant, I was awake and crying.

I hate that every entry now contains "like I used to" for it is an affirmation that I can't do it ever again. I miss you so much, I wish heaven allowed webcam.

100. My dad, the Bee Gees fan.

ARE YOU JUST A DREAM TO FADE AWAY.

Today is just like any other day, only that I woke up, replaying a song that you used to sing on the Karaoke on my mind; missing you even more than usual. I grew up listening to them and all your Golden Oldies, can't fault my preference over Gold 90 and Class 95 after all these music influence!

Massachusetts

Bee Gees

Feel I'm goin' back to Massachusetts

Something's telling me I must go home

And the lights all went out in Massachusetts

The day I left her standing on her own

Tried to hitch a ride to San Francisco

Gotta do the things I wanna do

And the lights all went out in Massachusetts

They brought me back to see my way with you

Talk about the life in Massachusetts

Speak about the people I have seen

And the lights all went out in Massachusetts

And Massachusetts is one place I have seen

I will remember Massachusetts

-

As much as I wished you could physically be here, more so for Christine's graduation than for myself, I'm sure wherever you are, you must be smiling and oozing with pride to know that she did very well and graduated with an overall ranking of 2nd!

99. Hello Papa.

YOU'RE SPECIAL, FOR ALWAYS.

Nicky came back from Batam last night, loaded with my favourite dishes that mommy cooked and packed for me. And home-made soya bean too! Mmm-mmm! And you know what amuses me most? She said upon reaching our house, the first thing she said was "Hello Uncle!" like she used to. I know you heard and knowing you, you were probably waggling your eyebrow in acknowledgement, like you always do.

We all miss you so much.

Father's day is in 2 days. Happy advance Father's Day Papa dearest. Remember I love you most.

98. Bottled decay.

IF KARMA DON'T HIT YOU, I WILL.

I keep all my sadness and anger pent up inside where it stews and fester; like how a piece of meat decomposes and gives off funky & nasty smells; mine develops into mental illness and adorns my wrist with scars.

97. A cry for help.

Sometimes, I get an urge to fling myself off a building.

It may or may not have been triggered by any emotion, just a strong, intense urge. And I'm afraid; what if one day I really do?

96. Virgin Riding

THE IDEA OF RIDING ISN'T PURELY MENTAL MASTURBATION ANYMORE.

Funny how my metaphors and words seem to translate into different meanings and end up sounding so...M18.

Anyway, moving on. Like the entry title and pre-cursor tagline suggests, riding became a reality for me yesterday (13.03.11)! And how do I feel about that? TOTALLY RAD!!! But I've also developed second thoughts about riding on the road, getting my bike license etcetera. :|

But that's another story for another day, I'm just gonna do a quick re-cap of the events for yesterday and rest my battered body. Pretty glad I wasn't flung from my bike like a ragdoll but still battered nonetheless, with a festering "continent" of an abrasion between my butt-cheeks. And many other bruises.

The day started out with heavy drizzle, talk about "raining on our parade". BUT, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the rain deterred us from riding to Changi Point (our departing Jetty). Let me explain HOW it became a blessing.

Fast forwarding to the end of the dirt bike trip, we were chauffeured back to the Jetty in Pengerang, Malaysia at 3:30pm and along with other tourists/passengers (already at the Jetty since 2plus) waiting for our transport back to Singapore, we were promised a bum boat which will ferry us back.

5pm came and still no boat and then the guy tending the counter saunters out of his ticket booth and dropped the bomb on us, "The bum boat service is over, no more boats coming back for the day."

We were stranded on foreign land (it's Malaysia, so what! Still foreign what!), away from city life and totally unprepared to spend the night; and worse, we're told there may not be enough taxi(s) coming by to send us all back to Johor, from which we can get back to Singapore.

When we eventually got lucky to share a cab with a couple, we spent close to 2 hours in the cab back to Johor, Larkin if I'm not wrong and paid a sum of $40 for us both (as opposed to a 45 minute boat ride at $12 per person) and had to "transit" to take yet another cab back to '2nd Link' and eventually home. Mind you, by the time we reached Singapore, it was already close to 9pm. Had we rode to Changi Point in the morning, we would've have to cab ALL the way back to Changi to collect the bike and ride back home, again.

The boy was commenting it felt like the Chinese New Year movie, "The Homecoming" starring Jack Neo as 'Karen Neo' where they experienced problems with the transport and took a biggg round just to get back home.

Other than this damper, the day was worth every single bruise, scratch and burn I endured.

Though I'm kinda sad that I'm going to look every bit like a freak show at D&D tomorrow night later tonight.

My whole body's aching from all the bumps and falls it endured and the bruises are all garnering attention by showing up in their ghastly green, brown, red and purple. SIGHHH.

And I look like a "Something Tapir" with my two-tone hands. That animal with grey and white tones? "African Tapir"? Whatever. I saw it in the zoo twice.

& to the wonderful boyfriend who played guardian to me throughout the trip, THANK YOU for planning the trip and taking care of ALL the details prior to the trip, right down to my attire for the bike trail and spending close to a bomb on everything, especially my boots.

On top of that, you did an incredible job taking such good care of me during the trip and I love you even more for not holding it against me for running you down and injuring you when I lost control of the bike! ):

I'm sure this trip'll go down as one of the most eventful "First(s)" in our memory bank!

Lastly, thank you for accompanying me in "Cat A" and spending the bulk of your time "learning" stuff you've known for 5 years. And chronicling my "debut" bike riding with so many videos and pictures!

I especially love this shot you snapped when I was totally unaware. [:

95. March into March.

MARCHING W MY HEAD HELD HIGH.

March came pre-packed with the dreaded exams but in every "horrible" gift, there's always something nice. Likewise in every person. I resolve to see the good in everyone until I'm shown the bad, that's a good movement, right?

It has been one helluva busy 2 months of the new year for me and so many things have happened! Some bad, mostly good. I wish I could share it with you. It really sucks that I can't pick up the phone and tell you about my life and plans like how I'm going to intern at a prestigious fine-dining restaurant, and that I'm finally going to learn bike-riding and hopefully get my license by the end of the year! There's just SO MANY things I want to share with you, knowing YOU of all people, will be so damn happy and proud of me. I've been pushing thoughts of you to the back of my mind for fear of breaking down when I think of you. You've taught me to be a strong, independent person and I've always thought I am too until lately it seems I'm just good at deceiving myself.

But, this March, I'm setting aside some time for friends, myself and you. We'll re-visit those wonderful memories of us that I've denied myself for so long and then I can give in and have myself a good, long cry. I'll never stop missing you but I can come to terms with your death. I need to. It is 'March' after all, it's the month for 'Marching forward'. Yes, I made that up but it does make a good reason for me to start.

Till then, I love you so, so, so much Papa, don't you forget.

94. Dream a little dream

IF I COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME.

It was you on Monday. It sounds so silly, it's not like I'm the ghost whisperer or something but it felt so real, I'm pretty damn sure it was for real.

We had a conversation, you held my hand like you used to when I was little. We talked. You even mentioned about my tattoo! Then you showed me two drawings and suggested I do a tattoo of one of them. I have the coolest dad.

It was short, and it could very well be our last conversation; but it's okayy, it felt so good to watch you laugh.

I still miss you, maybe more than ever. I love you Papa, your birthday's in about a week's time. I'll still wish you like I always do! (:

93. This void can't be filled.

What's so great about the New Year?

92. Remember

"AT THE START OF THE NEW YEAR, WE WOULD GATHER

ON THE DECK OF THE SHIP & SING 'AULD LANG SYNE'."

Funny that I should recall you telling me that. I googled "Auld Lang Syne" and found out that it is often sung to celebrate a New Year as well as a farewell to other occasions.

"People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."

3 more days to the start of 2011; it's going to take a bit of getting used to not having you in my life in the years to come.

91. This entry's for the 3 persons I love most.

WE WERE SO WRAPPED UP IN ALL OF OUR DREAMS

WE DIDN'T CARE WHAT THE FUTURE WOULD BRING

These days I'm afraid to be alone because that's when I miss you most. I was at work today when this song played and it's true what people say; songs convey what the heart yearns to say.

Another day has gone

I'm still all alone

How could this be

You're not here with me

You never said goodbye

Someone tell me why

Did you have to go

And leave my world so cold

"....though we're far apart, you're always in my heart."

This is for you Papa; I know you felt that little bit of jealousy when you found out that my tattoo had nothing to do with you or the family, you silly old man. So here it is, one that says it all and covers the ugly scars that you hate to see.

-

On another note, things have pretty much settled down to normal; for me at least. And this little Padawan here has been with me through the toughest times - tears, mucus, anguish and all. THANK YOU, naughtygirl.

....and next, the most important man next to my father: THANK YOU for being patient during this crazy period - handling my rollercoaster moodswings and the emotional wreck that I sometimes become. The effort to leave camp earlier, the picking me up when I came back, the packed dinner and short game at Marina Barrage and the endless hugs, kisses and assurance you gave me really made each day more bearable than the last. I know you felt bad that you were stuck in the jungle and couldn't see my dad off but hey, my dad would've given you the stamp of approval without a second's delay seeing the way you take care of me.

I love you three.

90. Marketing together.

I dreamt of you last night. We went on bike rides and did marketing. Just you, me and Vennie. You were goofing around as usual as you browsed through the freshest produce of the day and irritated the grocer lady. We met Vincent for breakfast after marketing and you even teased him about the holiday trip he brought his girlfriend on, saying that you've brought Mommy to better places before.

Can I choose to believe that it was your way of spending time with me for the last time and not some buried memories my subconscious dug up?

89. I love you so, so much.

THE WIND WILL TAKE ME AWAY UP HIGH,
INTO THE CLOUDS TO A PLACE I KNOW NOT BUT WILL LEARN TO LOVE LOTS.

Over the years of being apart from you, I thought I've been made "immune" to family ties and all that emotional baggages that comes with it. Still, I tear as easily as a hormonal teen watching Hallmark commercials at the thought of losing you. You were my favourite, and I was yours. You made it clear. I was the one you would proudly "show off" to your friends like a trophy (I grimaced every time you do that "This is my daughter..." pitch, but I was secretly pleased); the one who could do no wrong in your eyes, the only one capable of making you laugh no matter how upset you were; the one who's most alike you; "chip off the old block", people who knew us would say. And I was the one who "keeps you going" you often told me.

So why did you leave me now?

It's been about 9 hours since I got news of your passing on and I haven't come to terms with it. I've had enough time alone to digest the truth but part of me refuse to believe that you're gone. It feels surreal. My head hurts so bad from all the throbbing, I want to go to sleep and wake up to you goofing on the phone telling me you're in Paris or Japan and I'd play along, despite knowing that you're most likely lounging in the kitchen chair. I feel so sad, I feel so lost, I feel so angry and I feel so empty. I feel like a part of me has been rudely yanked out. I thought a lot about your death but I convinced myself it wouldn't happen soon, not before I graduate and earn a decent paycheck; not before we spend some "Father Daughter" time together. For the last few hours I've been hating myself, and I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself ever.

My heart broke and I'm overwhelmed with guilt when Vincent told me you kept asking to see me even during your last moments. I am so sorry papa, please don't think that I didn't love you enough to go back. I avoided going back because I was a coward. Because you and I always put up a strong front in front of each other; we were each other's pillar of strength and because you always said a daughter of yours never cries, I made sure I don't ever cry; not in front of you. But as your health deteriorates, holding back my tears became harder. It hurts me to see you in pain but I could do nothing to ease your pain and so I avoided going back. I thought crying in front of you would break your heart, but not having been there hurt you more I suppose.

Now I wish for just one minute, enough for you to lift your eyebrow in acknowledgement like you always do, when I tell you I love you. I wish I was there holding you and assuring you that you were the best father when you breathed your last. I know you feel like you let us down but we know you tried your best, I know. In many aspect, you tried to give me the best that you can give. Me, I was the lucky first born; you gave me your time and your love. Looking back, you loved being my father and that alone makes me so proud to be your daughter.

Now I'm missing the only figure of authority I respect in my life but I tell myself that even though you're gone physically, you live in me. I am like you in so many, many, many ways. I have your nose, your fingers and jellybean toes I used to wriggle beside yours. Physical attributes aside, I tell stories like you used to, sometimes exaggerating to crazy extends just to amuse our "audience", we have the same sense of "justice" that more often than not land us in hot soup with the higher authorities. We share the same sense of humour, the same goofiness, the same temperament and the same "when people make us mad, we don't get mad, we get even" attitude. Even miles apart, I am who I am because of YOU. I hope you approved of the choices I've made in my life and I will continue to live up to the high standards you set for me. Papa, I miss you sooo much. I hope you're finally liberated from the pain you endured for the past 2 years. Wherever you are, remember I love you as much as you love me, if not more.

88. December babies

AND A SONG SOMEONE SINGS, ONCE UPON A DECEMBER.

I used to like the theme song in Disney's Anastasia -"Once upon a December" for a very shallow reason; because it had 'December' in it and I'm a December baby.

And it's that time of the year again. Birthdays, they've never really made me happy. Okayy, they do, for awhile. Then the happiness dissipates, like the fizz in a champagne during a celebration. After the merrymaking, the fizz dies out and what's left is a sad, flat, sweet reminder of what had been a bubbly, happy drink earlier. That's how I feel about birthdays.

But don't get me wrong; it's not like I do not enjoy birthdays. I do, just not mine.

But this year (and last year), I've got someone sharing my December -- and I will make sure I enjoy our December and our birthdays; no matter how hard (what with tests and assignments piling up to my neck), all for that special someone.

87. I wish you knew.

WHEN NO NEWS, IS GOOD NEWS.

I would ride on your shoulders
And look out on the world
Pretending I was big and tall like you
When you were there to hold me
I never was afraid
You made me feel there's nothing I can't do

If I'd spread my wings to fly
When I was very small
I knew that you'd be standing by
To catch me if I fall

You're my hero
Chasing the monsters from my room
Going on trips around the moon
The one who's always been there faithfully
You're my hero
And 'cause you're my Dad...
I'm twice as blessed and lucky to be me

As I keep getting older
We often disagreed
But you let me find myself in my own way
And it's funny, how just lately
I've come to recognize
How wise you are becoming every day
There's so much you've given me
I hope I've made you proud
You're everything a Dad should be
And it's time to tell you now

You're my hero
You didn't have to say a word
Your love was the message that I heard
Inspiring me to be all I can be
You're my hero
And 'cause you're my Dad...
I'm twice as blessed and lucky to be me

86. HOLI-DAZE.

I AM THE QUEEN, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Can't believe I actually convinced Nic and her sis to print that on a shirt for me. I only managed to wear it once though (lousy quality, shrunk and printing faded after the first wash). Pity. Would've lifted my sinking spirits a great deal if I could wear it now and strut it around town.

It's the start of my long awaited break from school and for the first time in my life, I am bored to the bones. Usually I have my days jam-packed with work and meet ups with friends but this time round, I've been mopping around the house, exploring my 'domesticated side', even turned to BAKING. You can almost smell my desperation. Next time I plan on baking, for the good of all mankind; please, someone tie me to a lamp post. Likewise when I plan on having a haircut. I swear my hair only grew 1/2 an inch since I last cut it 1 month+ back. Yes, 1/2 a bloody inch.

The cupcakes. They don't look half as bad in the oven, that I must admit.

To be honest, the banana cupcakes tastes pretty good but they all came out with scorched bottoms. Then the second batch that went in came out looking half-baked (colour-wise) and tasted... well, the hazelnut flavour could have come across stronger. Ahh, disappointments, they go hand in hand with baking. For me, at least.

So, back to why this holiday is particularly depressing? This is why:

"No bees, no honey. No work, no money."

For a person used to juggling two jobs, I am now down to one. Which means I'm experiencing a major pay-cut. Which then means I'm suffering from 'No Shopping', 'No Indulging in Expensive Food' withdrawal symptoms. No more being even a little extravagant with money. And it also means I can't keep running out to meet friends since meeting friends often = to spending $. I am deprived of work and enjoyment. I complain about work but I actually enjoy being busy and buzzing around simply because it's rewarding. Argh. On the brink of going crazy if I don't land a job soon.

In other news, I'm so free now, I tagged along Cheryl on one of her pet sitting stints and met this awesome ball of fur named Snowball. More like Abominable "Snowman" if you ask me.

Mr Gentle Giant & Miss Desperate-to-be-employed.

Snowball doesn't play "Catch" but he loves "Catching" :D

Happy Holidaze to me.

Why are my fonts all "scrunched up" and different from the rest of the entries? Awesome, blogger's against me too.

85. Deviled Bell.

JUST GONNA STAND THERE & WATCH ME BURN

...burn the midnight oil while you bloody snore away~

!@#$%&!?

I'm drunk from hate now. Sick and tired, literally. (Sniffles)
Despite all the downs in life, I still have to count the little blessings in life.

"Couldn't have done it without you, Soldier."

What I long to do to some of my "team" mates leeches now could get me jailed for life.

84. Going green.

LIVING UNDER YOUR SPOTLIGHT.

I have no issues 'living under' Mr Ng Junda's 'spotlight' cause he has done nothing but showered me with love these days. Recalling the past two weeks...it would've taken a saint to be even minimally nice to me. I was, what you would've classified a psychotic, unbearable, prissy emotional wreck. And poor Mr Ng Junda not only had to put up with the tantrums, he literally bend over backwards to please me. THANK YOU!!! (: I know this won't suffice for the "torture" I put you through but I really, really appreciate the effort you made to keep a rein on your temper while mine went berserk and snapped at anything/anyone who drifted into my orbit.

Stress and lack of sleep. That's the best reason I can give for my intolerable behaivour. Even the doctor said what I experience is nothing that cannot be rememdied with a few days of sleeping in and sleeping in I did for the weekend! Do I feel better? Kinda. Particularly so with a doting boyfriend.

I think he's the best prescription ever.

On another note, Going Green holds two different meanings; besides reducing the usage of plastic spoons and saving Gaia (doing my part to Reduce, Reuse, Recycle), I've been hunting down these little green figures with the boyfriend. New obsession? Not quite. Let's just say he and Legos goes a long way back...

And though I consider myself quite a "creator", creating something of Lego didn't quite make it to my list of 'Successful Creations'. Legos never were my choice of toys. Toys were meant to bring joy to me and Legos... well, they made me frown. Nothing I create looks like what I INTENDED them to be and stubby fingers + no nails made it doubly hard to pry those darn 'bricks' apart.

Now, the boyfriend on the other hard has quite a knack for Legos and I'm just... playing along! (Poor pun) I've decided that Legos are fun, so long as I'm not the one putting them together!


*Spelling correction: Racce Recce

-

I'm so in love with Edith Piaf’s “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.” Yes, you heard it from the movie Inception, the cue-song for the characters to wake up from their sleep.



Abrupt end, I need to get back to work. Oh, little green men, we've treated you well so be nice and pray along with me will you? To a better week ahead! (Flying kiss)

83. Worst day of 2010.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME BY NOW
YOU WILL NEVER NEVER NEVER KNOW ME.

They say the reason people resisted getting out of bed sometimes is linked to the natural desire to regress to the womb. A place of solace. A place where we're totally protected from the chaotic world outside.

I feel like I'm in need of the "retreat to the womb" therapy today. Today was the classic bad day - a series of unfortunate events. And I seriously mean series. Funny thing is, I didn't wake up tripping out of my bed, slipping on the bathroom floor or missing my bus. In fact, the bus came the very minute I stepped into the sheltered bus stop and I'd naively taken that as a sign of a good day to come. Can I be more wrong. Right after the piece of good news Miss Wilson shared with us regarding our grades, I envision them slipping to the point of no return.

Being in Baking and Pastry scares the hell of me, yes. I feel totally out of place in there. Like a caveman in Willy Wonka's factory - I love looking at everything in there and of course eating but other than that, I am totally useless in the bakeshop. It's...so foreign to me.

Well, I didn't exactly do anything "wrong", but I didn't do anything right either. And the cherry on top of the sundae was spilling a jug of milk all over the floor. That highlighted my clumsy existence to the Chefs (particularly Chef Fum) and I can imagine all the profiteroles on the table singing in harmony, "..there's no point crying over spilled milk."

Fast forwarding to the evening, I accepted an offer to buy tissue from a handicapped in hope to ward off my bad karma & I was ripped off $2 for a SINGLE pack of tissue.

The madness won't stop, will it.

82. Thirst-day.

YOU BELONG TO ME.

Booty Clap from Kirsten Lepore on Vimeo.

81. Wake up.

THERE'S SOMEONE I FEEL LIKE PUTTING THROUGH A BLENDER.

Sluts are good enough to make a sloven's porridge.
--Old Proverb.

It's sad that you protect her like she's under the endangered species list. Well, she probably is...under 'World's Ugliest Animal'.

How much more misery and humiliation do you want to be put through before you wake up?

80. Beethoven reincarnate.

MUSIC CALMS YOUR SOUL.

Tears In Heaven


Right Here Waiting


More Than Words


The Rose


♥ www.SunghaJung.com
I could listen to him all day.

79. Unexpected.

THERE'S A MOMENT IN TIME AND IT'S STUCK IN MY MIND.

I woke up feeling under the weather and sluggish. Walking out of the lift and seeing you wait by the road with your bike really lifted my spirit. Thanks for the extra trip down to the shop, this time with my packed lunch and Horlicks McFlurry.

Work's slow and unchallenging, so I have only the memories of your earlier visit and the lingering taste of sweet, malty and salty Horlicks in my mouth, accompanied by songs from the 80s - 90s on the radio. Hmmm... Friday can't get any better once the churning in my stomach stops.

78. Tsamina mina zangalewa, this time for reflection.

FOREVER YOUNG, I WANNA BE FOREVER YOUNG.

"It's now 8:03 pm."

I feel like going Africa just listening to this song.

-

I'm surprised at my eagerness to talk about my day and the frequency of my blogging too. It's a good thing I guess, all these thoughts has to go somewhere, there's only this much my mind can contain.



Two weeks in Garde Manger flew by in a blink of an eye then it's onto another kitchen for us next week. Maybe it's too soon to say but it's a safe bet to say that Garde Manger might be, could be, HAS GOT TO BE the best kitchen to be in, out of all 5 kitchens. Gbye Garde Manger, Hello Top Table.

The past week has been all about kitchen boot camp (duh) and rushing of 500 word essay and entrepreneurship assignment; which resulted in an ongoing debate (with myself) about my choice of study and possibly my career in the hospitality, Food & Beverage industry, as well as my dream of running a small cafe. One component of the assignment was to work out the business start up cost and the figures I drew up scared me. I am, after all, a self-proclaimed numerophobic.

There have been other routes to take but stubborn as I am (plus the opportunity to continue studying was too great to turn down), I chose to press on. I'm not regretting my decision but I'm just so worn out sometimes, I feel like throwing in the towel, especially when the fear of a "better tomorrow" that I'm working towards never coming creeps up on me.

I have dreams and when I dream, I dream BIG. I'm not content with letting my dreams drag on year after year and remain as 'just dreams'. So I push myself to work hard in hope of turning my dreams into reality and that means high expectation of myself and high expectation means higher chance of suffering a disappointment or disappointment(s).

On days like this, I just want the affirmation that I'm doing fine.

Like this, "This is definitely feasible."

Thank you. (: